I’ve touched on this point in the past, but I wanted to expand on it. I watched a new show last night called Blood Sweat and Tears on Bravo that inspired these thoughts. In it, one of the women met a 40+ year old man who had been living with his girlfriend for 20 years (I think you might call that a common law marriage, right?) When the cast member found out about it, she was hurt, but shortly after that she moved him into her beautiful NYC apartment.
(Somehow I get the feeling that the 20 year girlfriend wasn’t too distraught about him finally moving out.)
I won’t judge the cast member, because that is her choice, but I will use this as an example of my point that any woman who really wants to get married or have a relationship can do so quite easily.
When you’re willing to drop your standards for the sake of a relationship, you’ll find that there are plenty of
bums guys who will want a wife to take care of them (and move into her place) because they haven’t been able to take care of themselves in life.
But is that really what you want for your own life? Someone else to take care of just so that you can say you were married?
So this is why I say that any woman who really wants to be married can be married. Happily married, not so much.
Always Married, Always Divorced
Have you ever known a woman who always seems to be getting married? She gets out of one bad marriage and six months later she’s engaged again?
9 times out of 10 it’s because she is one of those women who hasn’t set many standards when it comes to men. Getting married and having a man is all that matters to her in life. She will become ANY man’s wife — even if he doesn’t have a job, mistreats her, is abusive or has another woman on the side. And she will chase him.
There are plenty of men out there who would LOVE to marry a good woman with a job, her own place and plenty of food stocked in her fridge. Of course he needs a car to drive around (and gas money) so that he can impress other women and his friends. Basically, he doesn’t have to do anything but exist!
The question is, are YOU as a woman going to be happy in that type of arrangement?
A relationship — especially a marriage — should be reciprocal.
Rocks vs Gems
In my book Let Him Chase YOU, I talk about the difference between “rocks” (men that will hurt you) and “gems” (men that nourish your soul). Let’s just say that there seems to be a high rock-to-gem ratio in some places.
Because of this, women of standards may spend a lot of time single compared to women who have thrown standards out of the window, but you have to ask yourself a few serious questions:
Is having a man in your life at all times more important than maintaining your dignity and self respect as a woman?
Is it worthwhile getting married to a man who you know deep down you’ll probably divorce one day? A man who you’ll have to support throughout your marriage and maybe even after (men get alimony too)?
I don’t think any woman really wants this, but I do understand why some women fall into this trap. I get it — it’s hard navigating this world alone sometimes, but it’s even harder doing it with someone who could make your life more challenging than it needs to be.
Lynn Gilliard is a writer, transformational blogger and author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.